Tuesday, July 7, 2015

BEWARE OF DOG: ( butThis Doesn't Mean You....) by N.A.Vincent

     I'm totally amazed by the number of young people who don't know what anything means. What's more amazing, is that the Congress of the country have always got their hands out for "More education for our kids", when daily, the schools are churning out hordes of illiterate puppets who cannot speak correct English, cannot spell, cannot add, cannot think, and in general haven't a clue what real life is all about.
     Take for instance the ordinary front or back yard, fenced for some reason which should be obvious to anyone who can reason: People fence their yards either to keep something in or something out. The rule of the country life is, Leave a gate the way you find it: If you are on someone's land and you come to a gate in your path, if it's open, leave it open. If it's closed: close it! If it's posted, pay attention!
     Country folk leave gates a certain way for a reason. Stock access to water is probably the main one. Stock, for the uninformed, being animals of the country sort. Cows, horses, goats, sheep, etc.
     In the old days, when people could think, even city folks understood country signs.
     "Beware of Dog" meant that, if you entered, you stood a good chance of getting eaten alive by a biting furry fiend who did not like trespassers on his territory: a mean dog. This sign was generally respected.
     Due to some glitch in my planning, I now live in town. I am now an old worn-out crippled up cowgirl who likes people to stay out of my yard and to keep my gates closed. The reason for this is, first, I have to get up everytime some salesman comes to the door, or interrupt whatever chore I'm in the middle of. My neighbors know this. They rap on the window or give a holler. Because it's a "cul de sac" it's a cozy community and we all respect one another.
     Besides which, there are three dogs which live here, a nice, gentle friendly German Shepherd juvenile and two little fireballs who yap and rush out at any visitor. A lapso AZo something and a greyhound Chihuahua who attacks ferociously anyone who dares get near my Mom, including the leg that walks through the gate, even though my relic Mom is in her chair in the house.
     When I bought the house five years ago I proudly built the fence around my front yard. I put up my sign, "Collies may lick you to death" as a joke, as the collies never bit anyone. They have departed for Doggie Heaven this past winter and Bravo the shepherd pup came to live with us, with his noble ancestry. The first night, a rug I'd put out to air disappeared off my fence. To boot, with dismay, I learned that all the cars coming and going across the way belonged to a viperous nest of druggies.
     Up went my signs. No thievery did I want in my house. Nor did I welcome the door to door folk, as I like to shop for what I buy. I am a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment, thus posted the following signs on the fence and in the window and on the door:
                       "THE LORD GOD CREATED ALL MEN,
                                   BUT SAMUEL COLT
                                    MADE THEM EQUAL.
                            (Insert photo of long-barreled Colt .45)
     To make sure,
              I also posted, gun barrel drawing aimed at the beholder,
                           'IF YOU ARE FOUND HERE TONIGHT
                      YOU WILL BE FOUND HERE TOMORROW'
     Next came the sign, "No Solicitors".

     Pleased with myself, I retreated, figuring to enjoy a thoroughly sales-free existence behind my posted fence.
    Suddenly an explosion of yapping dogs running to the door.
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    "I'm so and so, and I'm here to---"
     "Can't you read?"
     "Yes, but --"
     "The sign says No solicitors."
     "I'm not a solicitor. We're in the neighborhood to replace windows, repair the roof , fix your plumbing, sell raffle tickets,....or....but I' not a solicitor."
     "You're here to sell something?"
     "Yes. Here's our brochure.---"
     "Do you know what soliciting means?"
     "Well, no, but I know I'm not one."
     "Do you know what 'No' means?"
     "Well, yes."
     "Soliciting means selling something."
     "So then, 'No Solicitors' means 'No Salesmen' --not to mention you might have been bitten by a dog. See that sign?" (pointing to the Beware of Dog)
     "Um, I didn't see the sign."

     Flash forward to 2014:
            Note: Today's date is 7/06/2015. For some reason I did not post this draft, but am doing so now. I was probably intending to write more. Which has escaped me. Update: Mom has passed on, the two little dogs are gone, and there remains in the household me and Bravo. (yes, "me" and Bravo is bad English, but writers are entitled......)

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