Wednesday, April 17, 2013


   HOW HARD SHOULD it be to fix a sandwich? You know. You come home hungry from your outin', and think, I'll just fix a quick sammich to hold me 'til I feel like cookin'. The baloney's right there in the fridge (beef baloney: who likes that mixed stuff?), the bread is fresh, all it takes is a few minutes.
    Well, you are fixin' for two, and Mom, 94, likes mustard on her sandwich. But wait, I don't like my bread stale so I'll get the Miracle Whip and the Mustard out first. Can't find the mustard.....there it is, on the cupboard where I forgot to put it away last time . I'll get her her drink and set that by her chair. Then I'll get my glass of milk out, and I'll get our coffees and fix the little bowls of fruit first so's not to get the bread stale, and set all that stuff by our chairs.. That way I'll have everything done and can fix and eat.And Mom can keep the cats and dog out of the food while I get the samitch ready. Oh, wait, I'd better get the spoons for the fruit. Oh yeah---the paper towels for napkins.....
   Ok, so now I'll make Mom's sandwich first. Oh, the paper plates. Ok. Mustard first. Oh Mannnn---I grabbed that sucker by the neck and held her out at arm's length and started shakin' it for all I'm worth---gotta get it mixed good---Ohmigosh, the lid popped off a mile and mustard plopped all over the kitchen floor! Good thing I didn't set out the bread yet, it'd be stale by the time I clean up the mustard.
It takes me a few swipes with the paper towel and the wet dishrag. Then I gotta wash my hands all over again.
   Ok, so now I can FINALLY make the sammiches. I take her two pieces out and spread 'em with Miracle Whip and mustard and slap on her two pieces of baloney so they cover all the bread. This time I close the lid (on the mustard)..... So I carry hers in to her and she stops her solitaire to eat her sandwich and keep the critters from sneakin' outta my milk glass.
   Now, on to mine. Gotta wipe the mustard off the knife because I don't want to get any on my Miracle Whip. I'm not overly keen on mustard. Finally I get mine lathered with Miracle Whip and the two slices of baloney (yeah, I know it's balogna but who wants ball-log-nah?), and when you think of it, the Southerners eat Fried Hot Baloney, and can you think of anything you'd rather not have? Besides, the kitchen prisoner staff  made assembly line baloney sammiches that tasted like last year's stale bread and warm-slime baloney by the time it got out to us guards on the perimeter.  And who knows what the heck else they put in it..........
    So y'see, making sammiches is not that easy and not that much of a quick fix when you're too hungry to cook just yet
   I remember another time Mom and I were gypsying along the Columbia River Gorge on the Washington side and we stopped down by the river to eat. My bright plan was to make the sammiches out of the back of the van. The absolute minute I took one slice of bread out of the sack, gale force winds turned it into a slab of crust so hard Mom's little yapdog turned her nose up at it. Well, you get the picture. Good thing we'd planned on peanut butter and jam, as it soggied up the bread a bit and made it edible, eatable.....Except for the crusts, which would break a tooth. We left those for some bug to snack on.....
   I could'a just as well cooked a meal by that time, or went to McDonald's forty miles down the road..
        Lotsa  things can happen when you're makin' a sammich.

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